Monday, October 23, 2006
soul-searching
i don't know why i'm writing another post now... but i think i have to pour some of my heart out, shouldn't i?
first of all: about friends...
i was wondering whether life is like the tv show "friends" everytime... you know? you have fun, and then all of you separate and find new friends. is that what life is about? or is there something more than a viscious cycle of fun ans separation? is there "true" friendship? i know i have a best friend in singapore, but i felt distant to him so much... i miss him like nuts... i want to spend time with him like how we spend time every recess in singapore. and this feeling has never gone away since i came here. it kills me...
second: ambition as doctor...
i did a speech for my eap today. and i was supposed to give the purpose of giving the speech. the first time, the reason was because "i was interested in this topic when my pastor in my church talked about it in one of his sermons." but this morning, without any reason, i changed it to "i was interested in this topic since my ambition is to be a doctor. and after the drama scripts that i have written about following your heart, i am no longer sure whether doctor is even my choice of career, or whether it's influenced by my parents. this dilemma is so huge. i am totally confused. it's crazy - i don't even know myself...
third: Christian life
i don't even know whether Christ is in my life or not. i was thinking about this just this morning. truthfully, the only thing i know is that i love Christ so much, but when i look back these few months, i began thinking what have i done? and i found the answer: not much... i did enter ministry. i did contribute to the church creativity. but i have been falling and rising in Christ. the Fire is not in me all the time.. it's periodic. and after the sermon last week, i don't think periodic faith lasts - i know it doesn't... i want to know what am i doing in Christ, and i hope i get this answer from Him... i want to hear Him so much... there's no word to describe how much i want His Holy Spirit...
fourth: music
again, i don't know about this. i was looking back at the songs i have been listening these weeks. it's not happy. no... it's melancholy and sad. it's depressing, though sometimes inspirational... this month's top 20 will be melancholy music, believe me, don't believe me. even the drama script i wrote reflect so much of me... i felt depressed writing the script because i put the melancholy instrumental from "tales of destiny 2 (ps1)" on loop on itunes while i was writing the script. i feel like crying even when listening to songs.
God bless you all!
first of all: about friends...
i was wondering whether life is like the tv show "friends" everytime... you know? you have fun, and then all of you separate and find new friends. is that what life is about? or is there something more than a viscious cycle of fun ans separation? is there "true" friendship? i know i have a best friend in singapore, but i felt distant to him so much... i miss him like nuts... i want to spend time with him like how we spend time every recess in singapore. and this feeling has never gone away since i came here. it kills me...
second: ambition as doctor...
i did a speech for my eap today. and i was supposed to give the purpose of giving the speech. the first time, the reason was because "i was interested in this topic when my pastor in my church talked about it in one of his sermons." but this morning, without any reason, i changed it to "i was interested in this topic since my ambition is to be a doctor. and after the drama scripts that i have written about following your heart, i am no longer sure whether doctor is even my choice of career, or whether it's influenced by my parents. this dilemma is so huge. i am totally confused. it's crazy - i don't even know myself...
third: Christian life
i don't even know whether Christ is in my life or not. i was thinking about this just this morning. truthfully, the only thing i know is that i love Christ so much, but when i look back these few months, i began thinking what have i done? and i found the answer: not much... i did enter ministry. i did contribute to the church creativity. but i have been falling and rising in Christ. the Fire is not in me all the time.. it's periodic. and after the sermon last week, i don't think periodic faith lasts - i know it doesn't... i want to know what am i doing in Christ, and i hope i get this answer from Him... i want to hear Him so much... there's no word to describe how much i want His Holy Spirit...
fourth: music
again, i don't know about this. i was looking back at the songs i have been listening these weeks. it's not happy. no... it's melancholy and sad. it's depressing, though sometimes inspirational... this month's top 20 will be melancholy music, believe me, don't believe me. even the drama script i wrote reflect so much of me... i felt depressed writing the script because i put the melancholy instrumental from "tales of destiny 2 (ps1)" on loop on itunes while i was writing the script. i feel like crying even when listening to songs.
God bless you all!
